


Some Nights

by SpiffyK



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Bit of Fluff, M/M, Not necessarily a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 07:32:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19719073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiffyK/pseuds/SpiffyK
Summary: Callum just wants to go home. The day has been long and dreadful and he just wants to get in bed and pretend it never even happened. That he hasn't spent the full day pretending to be something he's not, that he never spoke to Stuart, that he hasn't been surrounded by people who are open and proud of who they are.





	Some Nights

**Author's Note:**

> I had to get this out before Monday, no doubt nothing like this will actually happen! But I would love to see Callum chasing Ben for a change :)

"You two can get off home now, if you like." Kathy approaches Callum and Whitney, hands full of empty glasses. 

"No that's all right, we'll stay and help, won't we Callum? " Whit smiles, bright and a little tipsy, it's not really a question. 

"Er..."

"'Course we will. I'm not sure how much help I'll be, like." She talks over him and laughs and wobbles off with Kathy to clear tables. 

Callum just wants to go home. The day has been long and dreadful and he just wants to get in bed and pretend it never even happened. That he hasn't spent the full day pretending to be something he's not, that he never spoke to Stuart, that he hasn't been surrounded by people who are open and proud of who they are. 

He slots together a couple of empty glasses and jumps a mile when someone slaps a hand on his shoulder.

"Jesus Stu." Callum breathes sigh of relief but it's short lived. There's a manic look in Stuart's eyes and Callum glances down to see blood spattered on Stuart's knuckles. "What have you done?"

"You don't have to worry about nothing no more." Stuart says, his eyes wide, his grip on Callum's shoulder overly tight. "I took care of everything, you just go home with Whit, yeah?"

"What are you talking about?" There's a deep sinking feeling in the pit of Callum's stomach. "What have you done?"

"Don't worry about it." Stuart grins, shoves Callum's phone back in his hand and turns to walk away but Callum grabs his arm.

"What did you do, Stuart?" 

"Look, I just took care of Ben OK? Nothing to worry about any more." Stuart slips out of Callum's grip and starts to walk off. 

"Oh my god." He knew he should never had said anything to Stuart, he can't be trusted. He should have listened to Mick. He runs to catch up with Stu. "Where is he?" 

"It don't matter, Cal." Stuart says, eyes still unblinking. 

"Where is he, Stuart?"

"At the arches." Stuart says, oblivious to Callum's anger. Callum runs off leaving Stuart behind. "I don't understand!"

Callum is stupid. Beyond stupid, what did he think was going to happen telling Stuart about this stuff? About Ben. He's already gone after Ben for no reason a couple of weeks ago and now he's done it again. 

He shoves open the metal door to the Arches and finds Ben out cold on the floor. 

"Ben!" Callum drops to his side, checks his pulse and his breathing, both still there but not very strong, and tilts him into the recovery position - the way he was taught to in the army. 

He pulls his phone out and sees the text message Stuart sent to Ben. He feels physically sick. This is all because of him, because idiot Callum can't get anything right. 

"I'm so sorry, Ben. I'm so sorry." It's all he ever says to Ben lately. He dials for an ambulance, practically begs for them to come as quick as they can, while he keeps one hand close to Ben's pulse. 

Callum runs his fingers through Ben's hair, blood still drips sluggishly from his mouth and the cut on his cheek. He's going to be all right, it doesn't make anything OK, but he knows that Ben has survived worse than this, worse than Callum and his entire fucked up family. Callum wants to go back to yesterday, to the alley beside the Undertakers and those careful moments with Ben. Feel his soft lips on his cheek again, Ben's hand in his. He'd give just about anything for it.

He hears the sirens of the ambulance and jumps up to wave them over. 

"What's his name?" The female paramedic asks, kneeling on the hard floor.

"Ben. Is he going to be all right?" Callum stays back giving the woman, and the male paramedic who joins her, room to examine Ben.

"Let's have a look at him first." She takes his pulse and pulls out a little torch, checking his eyes. "Ben? Ben? Can you hear me?"

The paramedics assess Ben, mumbling between themselves. Callum stands away, squeezes his hands into fists so hard it hurts. 

"As he's fairly stable now, we're going to pop him in the back and take him up to hospital, get him off this floor. There's space for you, if you want to come with him." The paramedic says as they grab a board to lay Ben on.

Ben's phone drops out of his pocket as they load him onto the bed in the ambulance, without thinking Callum picks it up and stuffs it into his pocket. 

"Are you coming?" The male paramedic asks as the woman gets in the drivers seat. 

Callum spares half a thought for Whitney before getting in the ambulance anyway. This is his fault. He wants to go with Ben. 

The paramedic gets Ben hooked up to a number of monitors, "My name's Andy."

"Callum."

Andy the paramedic wipes at some of the blood on Ben's face before holding some clean tissue out to Callum, he gestures to Callum's face. He's crying. Callum scubs at his face, but more tears keep falling and he can't seem to stop them. 

"Is he your boyfriend?" Andy the paramedic asks, he nods at Callum's t-shirt. He's still wearing the 'Gay As' t-shirt from the Prince Albert. 

"I was bartending at Pride." Callum says. "Ben's my... I dunno." He sighs and reaches across the ambulance, brushes a finger over the back of Ben's hand. 

His hand is clean, soft, pale. There are no bruises or cuts on his knuckles, no damage at all... He didn't fight back. Why wouldn't he fight back? 

"Do you want to get out first?" Andy says, Callum hadn't realised that they'd even stopped. 

Callum steps down from the ambulance, Ben is whisked straight through A&E and a nice nurse comes to take Callum to a little waiting room, there's about 3 or 4 other people waiting. All Callum hears is that Ben has been taken for tests and they'll come and fetch him when they're done. He has to be OK. He will be OK. Ben's tough. He has strength that Callum could only dream of. 

When he checks his phone he's got two missed calls from Whit. He shoves it back in his pocket and pulls out Ben's phone. It's got a crack in the screen but other than that it's working fine. He's got a missed call from his mum and then a text message from her telling him to be careful. 

A sob cracks out of his chest, he's really fucked this up. 

"You all right, love?" An older woman with a cup of tea in her hand asks.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry." Callum scrubs at his face with the tissue he still has in his hand, the old lady looks at him, but doesn't push any further.

He has another missed call from Whit when he checks his phone again, its almost 1.30 in the morning and the old lady has been called in by a doctor in scrubs by the time a nurse comes up to him.

"Callum?" She smiles down at him and Callum hates it. It's not what he deserves. "Ben's back from his tests now and he's been put on a ward. Do you want to see him?"

Callum nods and gets up, she keeps talking as they walk. "His tests have all come back clear, no internal damage, he's been stitched up and there's no serious swelling on his brain. He has a concussion but that's about all. He was very lucky." She leads him onto Ward 8 and into one of the side rooms. There are two beds but only one is occupied.

Ben looks even paler than usual and the cuts and bruises on his face stand out starkly against his skin and the whites of the sheets. Callum closes the door behind him and takes a seat beside Ben's bed.

He still can't understand why Ben didn't fight back, but he wraps a hand around Ben's soft, undamaged knuckles and settles into the chair to wait.

He wakes when he feels Ben's hand pull away from his own.

"Wha- Ben?"

"I want you to go." Ben's voice is a little croaky. "I'm tired and I want you to leave."

Callum is only half awake and he doesn't fully hear Ben's words. "I'm so sorry, Ben. I didn't mean to tell him, it just came out. I had to tell someone." He stumbles through his own words, he just wants to explain, apologise. 

"Wait, wait. You told Stuart about us?" Ben frowns and then winces as it pulls at the stitches in his face. "You have met your brother, haven't you?! You could've told anyone! You could've told Mick, you could've told Jay!"

"I know, I'm sorry!" Callum reaches for his hand but Ben shifts away from him.

Ben sighs, "Stop saying that! Stop being sorry."

"I don't know what else to say!" Callum scrubs a hand over his face. "Why didn't you fight back? I know how tough you are. You didn't lay a hand on him."

"You still don't understand, do you? I'm not ashamed of who I am or the way I feel. And I don't run away anymore." Ben sighs, his bruised but handsome face drops into sadness. "Not after what happened last time I ran away." He rubs at the burn scar on his finger where the nurses have taken off his ring. It sits glinting on his bedside table. 

"Ben..."

"I can't do this _for_ you. If you want to keep lying to yourself and everyone around you, fine." Ben rubs his eyes carefully, grunting when lifting his arm pulls at his bruised ribs. "You want to get married to a girl you're not in love with and live your life lonely, do it. You want to make your old man and Stuart happy, go. I ain't gonna bother you no more. You know what I want. You know how I feel. So, until you know what _you_ want, just leave me alone. I've taken enough beatings for you already." Ben sighs and turns his head away from Callum.

Callum has to bite his bottom lip to stop the trembling, takes a deep breath and swipes at the tears that are falling _again_. 

"Ben." 

"Please Callum." 

He remembers Ben's phone at the last moment, tosses it onto the bed and leaves the room.

Callum breathes heavy and harsh as he leaves the hospital, rubbing the tears from his face. He knows it's what he deserves. It's the least he deserves. God, the ache in his chest feels like it's swallowing him alive. He wants to go back to Ben, to tell him that he _is_ what he wants, all that he wants, that he is what makes Callum feel alive, feel whole. But he can't.

He needs time, he needs to think. Would Stuart do this to Callum if he found out the truth?

He heads towards the tube and gets pointed fingers and hidden laughs directed towards him, it's only when he looks down that he realises why. Bloody t-shirt. He ducks behind a parked van and takes it off, turns it inside out and puts it back on. He'll get a few odd looks but at least no pointing.

By the time he makes it back to Albert Square it's almost 7am. He should be getting up for work now. He unlocks the door but just can't bring himself to go inside.

How long can he keep this up? How long can he live like this? He knows what he wants and it's not a flowery flat and a wife, not even if that wife is Whitney. How does he get out of this?

He goes inside to get ready for work.


End file.
